Looking foreward instead of back

Once again, we find another year coming to a close. This time last year I was in Seattle, surrounded by friends- and now I find myself on a bus half way to Calgary, with New Years festivities awaiting me on the other side.  I have a strange... policy, you could say.  I won't be at home for New Years.  So despite the fact that I was working tonight, I decided it was still necessary to hop on a bus and switch cities for the evening.  This year has brought about a lot of change, to say that least.  In hindsight, I think it was a year of testing.  When I ventured to Seattle one year ago, I remember feeling like I was barely keeping my head above water.  Drowning in schoolwork and emotion from failed relationships, I wasn't exactly at my peak.  So naturally, I ran from my problems.  I felt as though I had to go to Seattle, I had to get a breath of fresh air and momentarily shove away the discontenment of my life at home.  It was a good breather, but a week of vacation doesn't make everything go away.  When I came home everything was the same.   Not to say I have some terrible life, but I just couldn't see the goodness in it anymore. I couldn't see the goodness in anything.  Despite my lack of enthusiasm, I finished out the year at school.  

This year I went on five vacations.  I saw the world from the top of London and drank a pint of Guiness from the Brewery.  I kissed the Blarney stone and saw Temper Trap at the Showbox.  I watched the Stampeede in the rain and I met my first single serving friend.  I dragged myself and my backpack from Seattle to Portland to Vancouver to Calgary back to Seattle, then to Hamilton to Montreal followed by London to Dublin to Minneapolis and back to Calgary.  I think this says two things. One, I love to travel. I will starve if it means I can travel. And two, I don't like to face my problems.  When I get sick of life, I buy a plane ticket.  Some people gamble, and some people drink - I plan a trip.  I think it's probably unhealthy. Maybe one day I will change it.  There's something about breathing new air, meeting new people, seeing new scenery that beats any kind of high out there in my opinion.  When I step off a plane, I get this rush of emotion that makes me forget that anything else matters.  It's like having the world at your fingertips with nothing stopping you- you are where you want to be and you can do whatever you want.  

Now, as I sit on this coach with the bright lights whizzing by, I can't help but wonder what next year will bring.  Will the trials of this year lead up to something life changing? Will I see more heartache and dissapointment? Or, as what seems most likely... nothing will really change all that much.  I will go on being me; having ups and downs and for the most part hanging in there. I like how Death Cab puts it... "So this is the New Year, I don't feel any different." Just because the number at the end of the date changed, doesn't mean anything else did.

Epilogue: Once again this year I have decided not predetermine self disapointment by making New Years resolutions that I know I won't keep. So I didn't. I hope that in 2011 I will be true to myself and I don't expect any more.

Ireland

I suppose I never wrote about Ireland. With all the business of Christmas and Dan's death I've hardly had time to reflect on my trip at all. In the two weeks that I motored through Ireland, I thought it was an absolutely lovely country.  It has beautiful quiet country side, intersting history, busy cities and some of the most fun people you will ever meet.  I found the Ireland-ers quite a funny bunch, one guy from Dublin admitted that they just like to complain-they don't really care what it's about but they like to have something to complain about.  The finance minister seemed to be the flavour of the week. Appearently he is nearly as bad as the devil himself.  I'm not sure I came to any great revelations while I lugged my backpack from train to plane to train around the country, but I did learn that you see the rawness of people pretty quickly while you're travelling.  Not as a bad thing necessarily, but it's weird. It's almost like some sort of survival instinct kicks in and everyone's personalities are multiplied by 10.  Those little things that you could ignore about people are suddenly blaringly obvious when you go to sleep in the bed beside theirs and then wake up 8 hours later staring them in the face.  Everyone's slightly annoying habits are suddenly the baine of your existance and you wonder how you will ever talk to them again when your home.  But really it's not so bad, once you get home and have a few days to breathe, you realize that you were probably equally annoying yourself and remember times where you decided that you were much more worthy of the train seat then them, or the time that that you decided you should infact not have to have the top bunk.  Travelling around with these guy friends made me wonder if this was at all like marriage.  When you can choose to see people it's always great, because it's on your timetable - you see them when you are feeling sociable and looking nice and wanting to interact.  But it's a little different when they are just there. All the time.  Maybe it's different when you're madly in love with someone, but I just think maybe that's why so many people say that the first few years of marriage can be tough. When you look gross, they are there. When you're tired, they are there.  When you want to sleep, they want to read and when you want to stay in, they want to go out.

  I think that somewhat relates to having a servant's attitude.  I have an easy enough time putting in an hour or two of volunteer work when I've schedualed it into my week, made time for it, etc, etc.  But when i'm late to my appointment and then suddenly someone that i'm not all that fond of asks for an hour of my time to help them out with this or that, suddenly the whole put others first thing kind of hits the back burner.  Travelling with people wasn't like my neatly schedualed 2 hours each Wednesday night, it was all the time. It was when I was tired and grumpy and wanted me time and didn't want to ever see another human again.  I think maybe that's what Jesus was talking about.  Serving people is easy when you plan for it, but living a life devoted to being 2nd isn't quite as easily lived out.

Dan Edler

This last week has been busy, to say the least. In the last 5-ish days... I have been in 4 different countries, gone back to work, been to a wedding of a close friend, and also been to the funeral of a close friend.  I've been grieving, celebrating, reconnecting with old friends, and also meeting new ones.  I suppose this post, though, isn't about me. Sure, my week has been crazy... but that's not the point. The point is Dan Edler. I think his infectionious affect on people deserves to be recognized one more time.  One last pitiful ode to show the huge impact that boy had on my life in the 8 years I knew him.  I think it would be fair to say that Dan was the first boy to break my heart.  I was pretty sure he was the most beautiful man to walk the earth at age 13, and through many msn chats I began to grow an assurity that we were soul mates.  Of course, like always happens, we grew up.  My childhood crush was put behind me and we developed what I still consider a beautiful friendship.  I still don't know what good will come from his death, I don't know that I ever will.  There is something just completely wrong about watching your 19 year-old friends carry their friend out of a church in a coffin.  Knowing that someone's death wasn't an accident or "the right time" or the result of some overwhelming cancer adds a whole other element to the grieving process. There is nothing more natural to do than blame yourself.  Everyone says "don't blame yourself", and no matter how many times they say it... it's all you want to do. Because maybe, just maybe if you can spin the situation some way and make it your fault... then he didn't really have a problem, and he didn't really chose to take his own life. And somehow, in a strange way... it is comforting to put it all on yourself.  There is something warming about thinking that if only you had said this instead of that or been here instead of there, he would be alive. It's like a good pain... like picking off a scab that was bothering you, it hurts but in a nice way.  But at the end of the day, no matter how many scenarios you can come up with that make the situation depend on you... he's gone. And he's not coming back.  

Moving on... part 2 of the tragity nobody signed up for.  When I think of moving on from my friendship with Dan, it seems like the most horrible idea.  Just box up all your memories and put them in a special compartment in your brain in which you shove in the corner and don't open ever again so that you can go on and live a normal life as though that person never affected you at all.  I hate the thought.  But, at the same time I am reminded of that scene in one of the Narnia books. (The magicians nephew, I think). The Lion tears into his hard exterior, and starts pulling off his scales, and it hurts so bad but it's the only way he can be free.  I guess maybe that's the point of moving on.  Not pushing someone out of mind, but finding meaning beyond their death, if that makes sense. Seeing their death realistically and then waking up the next morning and facing life without them anyways.

I don't think I have anything figured out yet. All I know is... I miss my friend.

(500) days of summer

 

I just finished watching (500) days of summer. Again. I think it makes my top ten.  There's this quote near the end of the movie, after the girl he loves, summer, marries someone else and breaks his heart.

 

 "Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life. May 23rd was a Wednesday."

I'm a rather large fan of this quote because, well because I think it's true. We go through so much of life on autopilot.  We can live for weeks on end without doing anything impacting.  Sometimes I wonder if after my life has run it's course if I will have really impacted anything at all.   Not to sound like an english paper - excrutiatingly disecting a quote... but it's the last line that gets me.  We CAN do things that matter.  Despite the fact that we can live a lot of life meaninglessly, we don't have to.  Relationships affect people.  Things you say and time you share and what you do matters.  One of my favorite songs by Dallas Green goes, "we're all just waiting to die." I can relate to this feeling.  Sometimes when I go through the motions... making the 500th cup of coffee for the day, waking up one more time, telling yet another person I "hope they have a great day!" ... I feel like I really am just living to die.  But that's not it.  And I am so thankful that I don't have to go through life that way. Because I have hope.

Finding the line in the grey.

"Living in the grey with a black and white mind isn't ideal."

... a friend of mine posted this quote the other day, and it seems to relate well to the theme of my week.  To be honest, I don't know if I completely get it, and I'm not going to pretend I do, but I will attempt to explain what it meant to me this week.  This week was interesting, I suppose.  I saw some people that I haven't seen in a while, people that are not necessarily living how I would personally choose. But the big thing for is... I care about them so much that I fear that if I try to "correct" what they are doing that they will push me out and the situation will get even worse.  Generally, in life, that has been my approach to people.   I feel like as Christians we are called to Love, no matter what... and God will do the judging.  Not to say I am some perfect, all forgiving person, (not by ANY means) but for the most part I don't have a hard time caring about people that are screwing up.  So i've been going along, listening to people as they tell me where they've been and how they've stopped caring about what everyone wants for them, and whatever else... all the while patting myself on the back for not "judging" them.  But the fact of the matter is.... are you really loving people if you're not willing to risk them liking you for their overall well-being? I like to think that if I just accept them they will eventually thank me for always being there and at some point I will be able to make a difference in their life. But maybe I need to be saying that now.  I don't know. 

So THEN, at wings this Wednesday... someone hit me with the fact that we should be honouring God so much that we are angry when people that say that are representing Christ are not living that way.  That we love God so much that we cannot even bear when people dishonour him by not living that way. So now, I am caught somewhere in the middle. I suppose we need to find that balance between 'loving God with all our hearts, soul and mind, and loving neighbours as ourselves.'

You can't go home.

Daylight savings. I love it.  You might notice a trend, where I have a slight obsession with time. I might not be one of those watch wearers of perpetual clock-checkers, but there is little that makes me feel more awesome than when I snag time from the clutches of the universe.  When I get up before everybody else and start my day, or when due to some solstice cycle I don't fully get, I get an extra hour which I am proceeding to waste writing a blog post.  Lately I've been thinking a lot about my upcoming trip to the UK. I'm really exciting but also really apprehensive.  I love love love to travel but for some reason with this trip my fears are very prominent in the preparation process.  I was just thinking about that line in that (awful) song that says "they say you can't go home."  I was thinking about how whenever I am on a flight I like to ask the person beside me, "So, are you going on a trip or going home?" I suppose if I was asked this question... it would be a bit of both.  I left a big part of my heart in the UK,  and I don't think I'm going to find it going back.  Talking with a friend today over coffee, we were talking about what kind of people we are when all the strength that comes from the ties and supports around us is stripped away.  When, new-agey as it may sound... what kind of "inner strength" do you have? Are you really trusting God or are you just leaning on all the comforts around you to get you through.  Maybe that's something that this trip will help me reveal a little bit.  Going by myself to Europe (although I am a bit familiar with England, it's still scary) and trying to meet up with friends that I haven't seen in 3 months so that we can partake on an unplanned adventure together which is supposed to be a blast.  Maybe it's time to just let go, let go and freefall into the unknown.

Costume

So yesterday was Halloween. And, as much as I don't appreciate the fact that it's become "how little clothes can you possibly put on and go out in public with day", I kind of like Halloween. It's ridiculous, really. It's like everyone acts like children again for one day... playing dress up.  I think maybe we like it so much because every day society is telling us we need to be someone else.  But we need to be that someone else, while still appearing to be ourself. And we need to act as though it is completely normal that we are entirely pulled together and beautiful and wealthy and talented. I mean, of course... I just threw this on.  Halloween is that one day a year where we can be whoever we want to be, to whatever extend and it is completely accepted.  Any other day and people might question why you are wearing a princess dress or why you decided to go with fishnets instead of dresspants.  I wonder if it would fly if we had a day where, just for 24 hours, all the messages were shut off.  Where nobody saw ads with thin, beauiful, perfectly proportioned women not so subtlely telling us that we will have the perfect life if only we buy that dress.  What if for one day we were not only whoever we thought we wanted to be, but we were just us.  We just lived as we were created to be.  If we dressed for function and not fashion... entirely.  And no, I don't consider MEC function, it's just fashion for those who don't admit to liking fashion.  If we wore things only because they kept us from freezing our toes off. Or if we just left our hair how it naturally fell and noone cared that there was an unruley cowlick.  Sometimes I think our vanity has gone so far that a world without it is almost entirely inconseivable.

Dawn

Today I started work at 5:30am, which meant I left the house at 5:00.  As much as I complain about having to work so early, there is something I really love about it. I walk to work, so I have half an hour of walking in the brisk early morning air, with no light other than what is emmitted from the streetlamps.  It always strikes me how the same darkness that I feared five hours earlier now brings me a sense of peace as I wander through it on my own.  Each time I make this walk I get this overwhelming feeling of satisfaction that I am getting to steal part of the day that most of the rest of the world is missing out on as they lie asleep in their beds.  It's like God's little gift to me.  Something about the early early morning is so comforting. Then, my second favourite part of the day is getting to the coffee shop.  I sometimes go a little early on purpose so I have 10 or 15 minutes to myself in there.  Just being in the store all by myself, brewing delightful smelling coffee and appreciating the day before it even starts is simply the most wonderful thing to me.

Capernwray

Capernwray. I can hardly say the name anymore because I feel like it's been so overused, both in my ever present thoughts as well as in conversation.  It's been almost a year and a half now, and still there is not a day that goes by where Capernwray doesn't cross my mind. I know people get frustrated with my constant missing it, I can hear it in their voice but... it was an experience I can't forget. I almost wish I could, because the withdrawl has been so bad. Coming home was probably the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and the worst part is is that it hasn't gotten easier. Yes, there is good in Edmonton with my life and friends here. But it's different. I have this heartache that never goes away. I used to be a pretty content person, I kind of just went with the flow and thought everything and everyone was pretty great.  But I think maybe Capernwray made me realize there's more.  Like before, I never knew what I was missing?? It's not the castle I miss, or the rain, or the lectures or even the sheep... it's the community. It's caring. Caring about people other than myself and having them care about you, and supporting eachother through everything.  Something I hate about myself is that I'm a friend-dropper. If a friendship doesn't seem worth it to me, if I am putting in more effort then I feel is reciprocated I will just let people go.  Friends have faded in and out of my life since I was a kid. We'll be close for a few years, and then I'll find some flaw in them that drives me crazy, or I'll just one day decide that I don't want to call them... that they can call me. And slowly but surely that person will fade. And I can't really think of a time where I've ever really ... missed a friend that I've grown apart from. I guess that sounds kind of insensitive and cold, but really.  But... Capernwray friends, it's different. I've cried myself to sleep missing those people.  I don't even know why. How well can you really get to know someone in 8 weeks? I just went to a very 'all-inclusive' Bible school for 8 MONTHS and, to be blunt, could probably pick up and move and never feel the heartwrenching suck that I feel almost daily for the people I met in England. I guess this all sounds pretty awful if someone that I'm close with from Edmonton was to read it.  I don't want it to come across as though no one else matters in my life, because that's not the case whatsoever. I care about so many people here, loads. There are lots of people that play extrememly significant roles in my life. I just wish people understood what it was like to go through life feeling like your in the wrong place all the time.  Sometimes I feel like I got on the wrong plane.  I left home, happy and loving everyone and wondering how on Earth I'd make it without them all eight long weeks, then when I came home it was like I was coming home to someone else's friends, and someone else's life. Feeling out of place and disengaged. I thought it would go away, and some days I feel like it has. But other days... like today as you may be able to notice.... it's like someone tore me out of that castle 5 minutes ago. 

In Good Time.

Today, I don't really have much to say.  But I guess that kind of goes along with the theme of the rest of my blog... saying a lot without really saying anything at all. Sometimes... I look at my life, perhaps like every other pre-college adolescent, and wonder if I'm going anywhere. I wonder if one day I'll wake up--suddently 25, and have missed the boat on university and a career and finding prince charming. I know in reality that that probably won't happen. Hopefully six years from now I won't be working at second cup with my university application still in leu. And, when I look at it that way, and consider where I was six years ago, and the progress I've made... I hope that I'll at least have taken a few steps foreward six years from now.  I guess something I've been struggling with lately is... timeing. I have this timeline for myself, that if I let myself, I get obssessed with. For example, I always wanted to be married by 21. Well, here I am at 19-- so if I don't meet the perfect guy this year, we won't be able to date for a year before getting engaged and getting married and so on and so forth blah blah blah. Or with univerity, I haven't even started yet. So how am I supposed to get a 5 year degree and still graduate before I am "old"... and then somewhere in there I have to get married and have a family and settle into the average suberban lifestyle. And I guess something that I am realizing... or being taught, or being forced to realize is that my timeline doesn't matter. At all. That, as much as I hate the clicheness of it... things will happen in God's time whether I like it or not.  I am single for a reason. Because God wants me to be. And even though, let's face it... it blows. God is teaching me things through this.  And this year of lull... has purpose, even though I don't see it. Now, that's not to say that I think we should all just sit around and let life happen to us in 'God's timing', but I think there is value in having patience when you just want to get on with things already but sometimes, in hindsight, it was those inbetween periods... the transition of eras, where important things happened.   

Give Thanks.

I suppose it is natural at this time of year, with all the emphasis on Thanksgiving, to look at our own lives and appreciate what we have.  In doing this I have realized that I have so much to be thankful for.  I'm pretty sure that's the realization everyone comes to on this mid-October weekend each year. We look back and think about all the things we have and completely don't deserve, we toss a quick "thanks" up there and then carry on expecting more and more each day that follows.  I wish I could say I was the exception, but that's pretty much what I do each thanksgiving. Sometimes, when forced, I end up in some sort of circle going around and saying what I'm thankful for, at which time I say "family", or "a job" or something else that takes approximatly 2 seconds of thought. Which, don't get me wrong- I am thankful for, very thankful. But it goes beyond that. I am thankful for a family that wants the best for me, and encourages me to live as the best human being I can be.  I am thankful that Jesus Christ died on the cross for me and I can have HOPE. I am thankful that I can live every day with purpose because I know death is not it.  I am thankful that I don't worry where my next meal will come from. I realize that this blog post is kind of going around in circles, but I think it's helping my thought process-really. [...And if you are entirely confused, well, welcome to my life.] Anyways, as I type... " I am thankful, I am thankful..." I have to stop and give a thought to what the word really means. Full of thanks. Am I? Maybe right now I am. Because Hallmark told me to be.  But do I live every day THANKING God for the ridiculous amounts of gifts that I've been given.  How often do I sit around wishing I had a better job, or a car, or a clearer answer about my future. So maybe that should be a goal we all set for ourselves this thanksgiving... remember to say your thank-yous.

Nineteen in the East.

I was starting to feel like a Rob Bell Nooma video series with all my one-word titles alluding to a deeper message, so I had to stop with that for now. So last week, as a brand new 19-year-old I decided to head East. -- or as some would argue, central. But who really cares about the maritimes... I think it's East. Either way-- to Hamilton and then later Quebec. I got to see Niagra falls (cross that one off the bucket list!) and then I spent some time at Redeemer University. I knew I was going to have a good time but my time in Ontario definatly blew my expectations! So much so that today I went to the bank and opened up an account so that I can start saving to go to Redeemer in September. So far the responses I've had when presenting my wonderful new plan to people have been: "What's wrong with Edmonton?", "Oh, ... really?", or "But... that'd be starting a whole new life." Or along those lines for the most part. I guess it doesn't really make a lot of sense if you're not in my shoes. There's nothing wrong with life here, or what I have now. In fact, there is a lot of good things that I am thankful for. But at the same time I have this inner unrest that I feel like won't be solved by continuing to do what makes the most "sense." So I suppose I am doing just the opposite. I am fully intending to spend too much money in order to get a Christian education (which may hinder my future resume) and put valuable friendships on hold (or on... long distance) and miss my family because well... because I think I will be happy. I think if I heard someone else say that I would think they were an idiot. But I loved Redeemer. I haven't felt that at home since... well, since Capernwray. I made friends in A WEEK (a flipping week) that I miss tons already. It seems worth it to me. Ten years from now, when all my student debt is payed off, I probably won't care about the extra few thousand dollars that I would have wasted anyways, but I will look back and see a rich college experience. I don't want the next four years to be full of stress, with no friends at school and taking the ETS (yes, I hate Edmonton Transit) everyday for an hour in the -40 winter. So I might talk and talk and talk about this whole Redeemer thing and then get a smack upside the head from God telling me he has bigger plans, but for now I think this is what he's showing me.  Believe me, I have never been drawn to Hamilton, Ontario before but I woke up one day and thought... maybe I should go to Redeemer. I'm going to talk to the counsellor when I'm there. So I did. And I talked to Hannah. And she got me even more stoked. So the next few months might bring a lot of change. But I can't wait.

Culling

Lately I've been thinking. A lot. Now, if you know much about me you know that this isn't normal.  I do things, I don't think about them. I am a person of action, not a person of thought.  I have all these thoughts and all these ideas lately that have been taking over my mind and driving me crazy.  Perhaps all this thinking has been prevoked by the changes that have been happening my my life lately.  For starters, I got my own room this week.  My sister and I were sharing for the last year and we've recently switched to each having our own.  Going through every paper, every bobby pin, every... old assignment in my room has really shown me how much crazy stuff has happened in just one year.  It's also shown me what I value.  The first thing I went through was my box labelled "Capernwray Happiness."  And that's what it is to me.  It's a place I go (be it "healthy" or not) when I need a pick me up, when I need to be reminded that there is joy in the world and everything's not so bad.  I looked through this box with no intention of throwing anything out, and I didn't.  I simply wanted to reminise and relive what are now merely memories.  Then, I found letters. Letters from boys.  Which I had resentfully shoved in an envelope labelled "BOYS-PAST TENSE."  These letters were like stepping into someone else's life. The thoughts and the feelings were so distant and foreign that it was almost as though i'd never felt them at all. But I had. And that's the crazy part to me.  In some senses, I am a completely different person then I was last summer, even last Christmas. But in some ways, so much the same.  I put the letters back in the envelope, because you never know when you'll need to shed a good tear.  I also found my highschool year book, letters and pictures from friends in high school.  Letters from people that said "we'll be friends forever." I haven't talked to most of those people in two years.  There's nothing wrong with that, they had good intentions at the time. But now, I look at the people in my life.  I think about us all being pregnant at the same time, or getting together for dinners with our families, and then I wonder if this is just another season.  If the people in my life now will go their own directions like everyone prior to them did.  It's not that I like the thought.  The people in my life now are wonderful people.  But why wouldn't we go our separate ways when things become more important then our friendship?  Culling through my room has been a lot more than sorting through papers. It's been culling through my life.  It's forced me to consider what I value, what I don't want to be throwing out a year from now. Who I care about, what I care about, where I want to be.  It's been an experience.  

My misery's so addictive.

Lately I've been in a weird... funk. Sometimes I just stop caring about everyone and everything and can't seem to see any goodness in the world. It kind of blows.  I've been working through some issues with a friend, and trying to see some people in a different light. I've realized that I've gotten to used to seeing the worst in certain people that I've come to like viewing them that way.  It's not even that I actually dislike the person that much, it's just that I've come to a point where negativety is all that comes to mind.  Then today, I was listening to some Tegan and Sara, and one of the lines in one of my favorite songs is "my misery's so addictive."  I thought about that for a while, and realized that it's so true sometimes.  Sometimes I get addicted to that sucky feeling of constant misery and begin to like it, and it's not until I make the conscience choice to see things positvely that I can. And it's hard. It's SO much easier to just continue feeding that negativety and like dislike for people brew inside you and come out (through sarcasm as I do best...) and become a sour person in general.  So I guess it's pretty important to catch stuff like that before it becomes you.

Education

So the other day I applied to Grant McEwan.  Entering my mastercard information so that they could charge me money to look at my application for something I didn't want to be applying for was brutal.  I was mad all day that I had to apply to stupid school that I didn't want to go to in stupid Edmonton where I didn't want to live and take a stupid program so that I could get a stupid job I didn't want to work at.  So I decided to ask God to make me excited about school.  I didn't even want to ask, because I didn't want to want to go to school.  I wanted him to present me with a wonderful alternative, but I knew school was something I needed to do.  Nothing against people that choose not to go to school, but God has been showing me pretty seriously the value of education.  First of all this renovation.  Don't get me wrong, I am super thankful to have the work.  But sanding all day and ripping up carpet made me realize that I could NOT be an unskilled worker for the next 30 years.  Then today, a guy, about 40, came in to Second Cup and asked if we were hiring.  I realized that that's what not going to school gets you (about 90% of the time).  I realized that I am in a super huge minority in the world be BE ABLE to get an education and I don't even want it.  I want to bum around at my 10 dollars-an-hour job.   There are people that would kill to have this opportunity.  There are people that would kill to only have to pay like 6 grand for school a year.  There are 40 year olds, with kids, who look back and with they got their education, and here I am-- at that turning point in my life and I don't even want to do the smart thing.  So I'm still not excited.  I would still rather take about 5 years off and travel around and then just meet somebody and be thier wife and have a bunch of kids and make supper for the rest of my life.  But, I feel like this is what I need to do.  So the application is in, and we'll see what happens from here.

Labour

So these past few days I've been doing some manual labour.  I know, the last thing you would probably expect from me.  The school I went to last year is doing some renos and ( I have no clue why they chose me but..) they offered me a few days work to help out with some painting.  When I agreed I thought I would be casually putting some paint on the wall with a roller.  Instead, I've been ripping up carpet, taping ...everthing you never knew needed to be taped, and sanding. Oh, sanding.  Yesterday I worked over 12 hours between this and the coffee shop.  In a strange way though, I have really come to appreciate working hard for my money.  There is something empowering about coming home, completely exhausted and spent and barely able to move, and then knowing that you have to get up the next morning and do the same thing.  I kind of like it... maybe not forever, but it's an interesting change.  Realizing that I actually don't need 15 hours of leisure time a day really changes your perspective on work and North American culture.  It's also crazy to think that there's people all over the world working this hard/ harder every day just to barely be able to feed their families.  I can't even imagine.  It makes me realize how truly blessed we are in North America and how we definately have a responsibility to help out people less fortunate than us.

She knows who she is she just forgot for a little while

On our Seattle trip I started Don Miller's new book a million miles in a thousand years.  After Blue Like Jazz I was expecting some pretty awesome stuff. Unfortunately, for the most part the book has been a bit of a let down.  But, being Don Miller he still says some pretty awesome stuff.  There is one line that he says that for some reason I can't get out of my head.  He's talking about a friend's daughter who has been making poor choices and mixed up with a bad guy and then her father makes some family changes that completely turn around her attitude.  Once she has come back to the family and who she really is, Don Miller says, "she knows who she is, she just forgot for a little while." Sometimes I think this is so true, for all of us.  Even if we're not doing acid or pregnant with a drug dealers baby, I think we all forget who God made us to be sometimes.  That's been a big thing for me lately.  Realizing that I was made to be somebody beautiful in God's image and that I need to strive to be that person every day.  I think it relates to other people too.  When we see people we know who seemingly have gone off the deep end, I think we need to view them as an amazing person who's just forgetting who they are, not a lost cause.  I think so often we get scared and choose to reject those people from our lives, when in fact that's when they need us the most.  When people are floundering around, trying to figure out who they are, they need their friends the most to love them no matter what.  I'm not really sure if Don Miller meant everything from that statement that I got from it, but nonetheless, I found them to be some powerful words.

My first blog post. ever.

So I'm new to this whole blogging thing. I used to think it was a really weird concept- people writing about their lives for anyone to read.  And yet, here I find myself doing it.  Maybe it has something to do with what Marc Driscol was talking about on Sunday-narcissism. We're obsessed with ourselves. We want everyone to worship us and care about us and think we're great.  Anyways, be it narcissism or just trying something new, I now have a blog.

I just got back from a trip to Seattle with my family. I love the west coast. Everyone seems like they are on some sort of fabulous journey of self discovery.  You can't walk two minutes without getting caffinated. It's wonderful. I also decided that everywhere should be more like Portland.  That city knows whats up.  They are so green, and everyone there loves recycling. That was my take on it.  And I love recycling, so in my opinion they are doing things right. It baffles me really how everybody else dropped the ball so badly on the whole take care of the earth thing.