Dan Edler

This last week has been busy, to say the least. In the last 5-ish days... I have been in 4 different countries, gone back to work, been to a wedding of a close friend, and also been to the funeral of a close friend.  I've been grieving, celebrating, reconnecting with old friends, and also meeting new ones.  I suppose this post, though, isn't about me. Sure, my week has been crazy... but that's not the point. The point is Dan Edler. I think his infectionious affect on people deserves to be recognized one more time.  One last pitiful ode to show the huge impact that boy had on my life in the 8 years I knew him.  I think it would be fair to say that Dan was the first boy to break my heart.  I was pretty sure he was the most beautiful man to walk the earth at age 13, and through many msn chats I began to grow an assurity that we were soul mates.  Of course, like always happens, we grew up.  My childhood crush was put behind me and we developed what I still consider a beautiful friendship.  I still don't know what good will come from his death, I don't know that I ever will.  There is something just completely wrong about watching your 19 year-old friends carry their friend out of a church in a coffin.  Knowing that someone's death wasn't an accident or "the right time" or the result of some overwhelming cancer adds a whole other element to the grieving process. There is nothing more natural to do than blame yourself.  Everyone says "don't blame yourself", and no matter how many times they say it... it's all you want to do. Because maybe, just maybe if you can spin the situation some way and make it your fault... then he didn't really have a problem, and he didn't really chose to take his own life. And somehow, in a strange way... it is comforting to put it all on yourself.  There is something warming about thinking that if only you had said this instead of that or been here instead of there, he would be alive. It's like a good pain... like picking off a scab that was bothering you, it hurts but in a nice way.  But at the end of the day, no matter how many scenarios you can come up with that make the situation depend on you... he's gone. And he's not coming back.  

Moving on... part 2 of the tragity nobody signed up for.  When I think of moving on from my friendship with Dan, it seems like the most horrible idea.  Just box up all your memories and put them in a special compartment in your brain in which you shove in the corner and don't open ever again so that you can go on and live a normal life as though that person never affected you at all.  I hate the thought.  But, at the same time I am reminded of that scene in one of the Narnia books. (The magicians nephew, I think). The Lion tears into his hard exterior, and starts pulling off his scales, and it hurts so bad but it's the only way he can be free.  I guess maybe that's the point of moving on.  Not pushing someone out of mind, but finding meaning beyond their death, if that makes sense. Seeing their death realistically and then waking up the next morning and facing life without them anyways.

I don't think I have anything figured out yet. All I know is... I miss my friend.