Nineteen in the East.

I was starting to feel like a Rob Bell Nooma video series with all my one-word titles alluding to a deeper message, so I had to stop with that for now. So last week, as a brand new 19-year-old I decided to head East. -- or as some would argue, central. But who really cares about the maritimes... I think it's East. Either way-- to Hamilton and then later Quebec. I got to see Niagra falls (cross that one off the bucket list!) and then I spent some time at Redeemer University. I knew I was going to have a good time but my time in Ontario definatly blew my expectations! So much so that today I went to the bank and opened up an account so that I can start saving to go to Redeemer in September. So far the responses I've had when presenting my wonderful new plan to people have been: "What's wrong with Edmonton?", "Oh, ... really?", or "But... that'd be starting a whole new life." Or along those lines for the most part. I guess it doesn't really make a lot of sense if you're not in my shoes. There's nothing wrong with life here, or what I have now. In fact, there is a lot of good things that I am thankful for. But at the same time I have this inner unrest that I feel like won't be solved by continuing to do what makes the most "sense." So I suppose I am doing just the opposite. I am fully intending to spend too much money in order to get a Christian education (which may hinder my future resume) and put valuable friendships on hold (or on... long distance) and miss my family because well... because I think I will be happy. I think if I heard someone else say that I would think they were an idiot. But I loved Redeemer. I haven't felt that at home since... well, since Capernwray. I made friends in A WEEK (a flipping week) that I miss tons already. It seems worth it to me. Ten years from now, when all my student debt is payed off, I probably won't care about the extra few thousand dollars that I would have wasted anyways, but I will look back and see a rich college experience. I don't want the next four years to be full of stress, with no friends at school and taking the ETS (yes, I hate Edmonton Transit) everyday for an hour in the -40 winter. So I might talk and talk and talk about this whole Redeemer thing and then get a smack upside the head from God telling me he has bigger plans, but for now I think this is what he's showing me.  Believe me, I have never been drawn to Hamilton, Ontario before but I woke up one day and thought... maybe I should go to Redeemer. I'm going to talk to the counsellor when I'm there. So I did. And I talked to Hannah. And she got me even more stoked. So the next few months might bring a lot of change. But I can't wait.

Culling

Lately I've been thinking. A lot. Now, if you know much about me you know that this isn't normal.  I do things, I don't think about them. I am a person of action, not a person of thought.  I have all these thoughts and all these ideas lately that have been taking over my mind and driving me crazy.  Perhaps all this thinking has been prevoked by the changes that have been happening my my life lately.  For starters, I got my own room this week.  My sister and I were sharing for the last year and we've recently switched to each having our own.  Going through every paper, every bobby pin, every... old assignment in my room has really shown me how much crazy stuff has happened in just one year.  It's also shown me what I value.  The first thing I went through was my box labelled "Capernwray Happiness."  And that's what it is to me.  It's a place I go (be it "healthy" or not) when I need a pick me up, when I need to be reminded that there is joy in the world and everything's not so bad.  I looked through this box with no intention of throwing anything out, and I didn't.  I simply wanted to reminise and relive what are now merely memories.  Then, I found letters. Letters from boys.  Which I had resentfully shoved in an envelope labelled "BOYS-PAST TENSE."  These letters were like stepping into someone else's life. The thoughts and the feelings were so distant and foreign that it was almost as though i'd never felt them at all. But I had. And that's the crazy part to me.  In some senses, I am a completely different person then I was last summer, even last Christmas. But in some ways, so much the same.  I put the letters back in the envelope, because you never know when you'll need to shed a good tear.  I also found my highschool year book, letters and pictures from friends in high school.  Letters from people that said "we'll be friends forever." I haven't talked to most of those people in two years.  There's nothing wrong with that, they had good intentions at the time. But now, I look at the people in my life.  I think about us all being pregnant at the same time, or getting together for dinners with our families, and then I wonder if this is just another season.  If the people in my life now will go their own directions like everyone prior to them did.  It's not that I like the thought.  The people in my life now are wonderful people.  But why wouldn't we go our separate ways when things become more important then our friendship?  Culling through my room has been a lot more than sorting through papers. It's been culling through my life.  It's forced me to consider what I value, what I don't want to be throwing out a year from now. Who I care about, what I care about, where I want to be.  It's been an experience.  

My misery's so addictive.

Lately I've been in a weird... funk. Sometimes I just stop caring about everyone and everything and can't seem to see any goodness in the world. It kind of blows.  I've been working through some issues with a friend, and trying to see some people in a different light. I've realized that I've gotten to used to seeing the worst in certain people that I've come to like viewing them that way.  It's not even that I actually dislike the person that much, it's just that I've come to a point where negativety is all that comes to mind.  Then today, I was listening to some Tegan and Sara, and one of the lines in one of my favorite songs is "my misery's so addictive."  I thought about that for a while, and realized that it's so true sometimes.  Sometimes I get addicted to that sucky feeling of constant misery and begin to like it, and it's not until I make the conscience choice to see things positvely that I can. And it's hard. It's SO much easier to just continue feeding that negativety and like dislike for people brew inside you and come out (through sarcasm as I do best...) and become a sour person in general.  So I guess it's pretty important to catch stuff like that before it becomes you.