Capernwray

Capernwray. I can hardly say the name anymore because I feel like it's been so overused, both in my ever present thoughts as well as in conversation.  It's been almost a year and a half now, and still there is not a day that goes by where Capernwray doesn't cross my mind. I know people get frustrated with my constant missing it, I can hear it in their voice but... it was an experience I can't forget. I almost wish I could, because the withdrawl has been so bad. Coming home was probably the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and the worst part is is that it hasn't gotten easier. Yes, there is good in Edmonton with my life and friends here. But it's different. I have this heartache that never goes away. I used to be a pretty content person, I kind of just went with the flow and thought everything and everyone was pretty great.  But I think maybe Capernwray made me realize there's more.  Like before, I never knew what I was missing?? It's not the castle I miss, or the rain, or the lectures or even the sheep... it's the community. It's caring. Caring about people other than myself and having them care about you, and supporting eachother through everything.  Something I hate about myself is that I'm a friend-dropper. If a friendship doesn't seem worth it to me, if I am putting in more effort then I feel is reciprocated I will just let people go.  Friends have faded in and out of my life since I was a kid. We'll be close for a few years, and then I'll find some flaw in them that drives me crazy, or I'll just one day decide that I don't want to call them... that they can call me. And slowly but surely that person will fade. And I can't really think of a time where I've ever really ... missed a friend that I've grown apart from. I guess that sounds kind of insensitive and cold, but really.  But... Capernwray friends, it's different. I've cried myself to sleep missing those people.  I don't even know why. How well can you really get to know someone in 8 weeks? I just went to a very 'all-inclusive' Bible school for 8 MONTHS and, to be blunt, could probably pick up and move and never feel the heartwrenching suck that I feel almost daily for the people I met in England. I guess this all sounds pretty awful if someone that I'm close with from Edmonton was to read it.  I don't want it to come across as though no one else matters in my life, because that's not the case whatsoever. I care about so many people here, loads. There are lots of people that play extrememly significant roles in my life. I just wish people understood what it was like to go through life feeling like your in the wrong place all the time.  Sometimes I feel like I got on the wrong plane.  I left home, happy and loving everyone and wondering how on Earth I'd make it without them all eight long weeks, then when I came home it was like I was coming home to someone else's friends, and someone else's life. Feeling out of place and disengaged. I thought it would go away, and some days I feel like it has. But other days... like today as you may be able to notice.... it's like someone tore me out of that castle 5 minutes ago.