Finding the line in the grey.

"Living in the grey with a black and white mind isn't ideal."

... a friend of mine posted this quote the other day, and it seems to relate well to the theme of my week.  To be honest, I don't know if I completely get it, and I'm not going to pretend I do, but I will attempt to explain what it meant to me this week.  This week was interesting, I suppose.  I saw some people that I haven't seen in a while, people that are not necessarily living how I would personally choose. But the big thing for is... I care about them so much that I fear that if I try to "correct" what they are doing that they will push me out and the situation will get even worse.  Generally, in life, that has been my approach to people.   I feel like as Christians we are called to Love, no matter what... and God will do the judging.  Not to say I am some perfect, all forgiving person, (not by ANY means) but for the most part I don't have a hard time caring about people that are screwing up.  So i've been going along, listening to people as they tell me where they've been and how they've stopped caring about what everyone wants for them, and whatever else... all the while patting myself on the back for not "judging" them.  But the fact of the matter is.... are you really loving people if you're not willing to risk them liking you for their overall well-being? I like to think that if I just accept them they will eventually thank me for always being there and at some point I will be able to make a difference in their life. But maybe I need to be saying that now.  I don't know. 

So THEN, at wings this Wednesday... someone hit me with the fact that we should be honouring God so much that we are angry when people that say that are representing Christ are not living that way.  That we love God so much that we cannot even bear when people dishonour him by not living that way. So now, I am caught somewhere in the middle. I suppose we need to find that balance between 'loving God with all our hearts, soul and mind, and loving neighbours as ourselves.'

You can't go home.

Daylight savings. I love it.  You might notice a trend, where I have a slight obsession with time. I might not be one of those watch wearers of perpetual clock-checkers, but there is little that makes me feel more awesome than when I snag time from the clutches of the universe.  When I get up before everybody else and start my day, or when due to some solstice cycle I don't fully get, I get an extra hour which I am proceeding to waste writing a blog post.  Lately I've been thinking a lot about my upcoming trip to the UK. I'm really exciting but also really apprehensive.  I love love love to travel but for some reason with this trip my fears are very prominent in the preparation process.  I was just thinking about that line in that (awful) song that says "they say you can't go home."  I was thinking about how whenever I am on a flight I like to ask the person beside me, "So, are you going on a trip or going home?" I suppose if I was asked this question... it would be a bit of both.  I left a big part of my heart in the UK,  and I don't think I'm going to find it going back.  Talking with a friend today over coffee, we were talking about what kind of people we are when all the strength that comes from the ties and supports around us is stripped away.  When, new-agey as it may sound... what kind of "inner strength" do you have? Are you really trusting God or are you just leaning on all the comforts around you to get you through.  Maybe that's something that this trip will help me reveal a little bit.  Going by myself to Europe (although I am a bit familiar with England, it's still scary) and trying to meet up with friends that I haven't seen in 3 months so that we can partake on an unplanned adventure together which is supposed to be a blast.  Maybe it's time to just let go, let go and freefall into the unknown.

Costume

So yesterday was Halloween. And, as much as I don't appreciate the fact that it's become "how little clothes can you possibly put on and go out in public with day", I kind of like Halloween. It's ridiculous, really. It's like everyone acts like children again for one day... playing dress up.  I think maybe we like it so much because every day society is telling us we need to be someone else.  But we need to be that someone else, while still appearing to be ourself. And we need to act as though it is completely normal that we are entirely pulled together and beautiful and wealthy and talented. I mean, of course... I just threw this on.  Halloween is that one day a year where we can be whoever we want to be, to whatever extend and it is completely accepted.  Any other day and people might question why you are wearing a princess dress or why you decided to go with fishnets instead of dresspants.  I wonder if it would fly if we had a day where, just for 24 hours, all the messages were shut off.  Where nobody saw ads with thin, beauiful, perfectly proportioned women not so subtlely telling us that we will have the perfect life if only we buy that dress.  What if for one day we were not only whoever we thought we wanted to be, but we were just us.  We just lived as we were created to be.  If we dressed for function and not fashion... entirely.  And no, I don't consider MEC function, it's just fashion for those who don't admit to liking fashion.  If we wore things only because they kept us from freezing our toes off. Or if we just left our hair how it naturally fell and noone cared that there was an unruley cowlick.  Sometimes I think our vanity has gone so far that a world without it is almost entirely inconseivable.

Dawn

Today I started work at 5:30am, which meant I left the house at 5:00.  As much as I complain about having to work so early, there is something I really love about it. I walk to work, so I have half an hour of walking in the brisk early morning air, with no light other than what is emmitted from the streetlamps.  It always strikes me how the same darkness that I feared five hours earlier now brings me a sense of peace as I wander through it on my own.  Each time I make this walk I get this overwhelming feeling of satisfaction that I am getting to steal part of the day that most of the rest of the world is missing out on as they lie asleep in their beds.  It's like God's little gift to me.  Something about the early early morning is so comforting. Then, my second favourite part of the day is getting to the coffee shop.  I sometimes go a little early on purpose so I have 10 or 15 minutes to myself in there.  Just being in the store all by myself, brewing delightful smelling coffee and appreciating the day before it even starts is simply the most wonderful thing to me.

Capernwray

Capernwray. I can hardly say the name anymore because I feel like it's been so overused, both in my ever present thoughts as well as in conversation.  It's been almost a year and a half now, and still there is not a day that goes by where Capernwray doesn't cross my mind. I know people get frustrated with my constant missing it, I can hear it in their voice but... it was an experience I can't forget. I almost wish I could, because the withdrawl has been so bad. Coming home was probably the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and the worst part is is that it hasn't gotten easier. Yes, there is good in Edmonton with my life and friends here. But it's different. I have this heartache that never goes away. I used to be a pretty content person, I kind of just went with the flow and thought everything and everyone was pretty great.  But I think maybe Capernwray made me realize there's more.  Like before, I never knew what I was missing?? It's not the castle I miss, or the rain, or the lectures or even the sheep... it's the community. It's caring. Caring about people other than myself and having them care about you, and supporting eachother through everything.  Something I hate about myself is that I'm a friend-dropper. If a friendship doesn't seem worth it to me, if I am putting in more effort then I feel is reciprocated I will just let people go.  Friends have faded in and out of my life since I was a kid. We'll be close for a few years, and then I'll find some flaw in them that drives me crazy, or I'll just one day decide that I don't want to call them... that they can call me. And slowly but surely that person will fade. And I can't really think of a time where I've ever really ... missed a friend that I've grown apart from. I guess that sounds kind of insensitive and cold, but really.  But... Capernwray friends, it's different. I've cried myself to sleep missing those people.  I don't even know why. How well can you really get to know someone in 8 weeks? I just went to a very 'all-inclusive' Bible school for 8 MONTHS and, to be blunt, could probably pick up and move and never feel the heartwrenching suck that I feel almost daily for the people I met in England. I guess this all sounds pretty awful if someone that I'm close with from Edmonton was to read it.  I don't want it to come across as though no one else matters in my life, because that's not the case whatsoever. I care about so many people here, loads. There are lots of people that play extrememly significant roles in my life. I just wish people understood what it was like to go through life feeling like your in the wrong place all the time.  Sometimes I feel like I got on the wrong plane.  I left home, happy and loving everyone and wondering how on Earth I'd make it without them all eight long weeks, then when I came home it was like I was coming home to someone else's friends, and someone else's life. Feeling out of place and disengaged. I thought it would go away, and some days I feel like it has. But other days... like today as you may be able to notice.... it's like someone tore me out of that castle 5 minutes ago. 

In Good Time.

Today, I don't really have much to say.  But I guess that kind of goes along with the theme of the rest of my blog... saying a lot without really saying anything at all. Sometimes... I look at my life, perhaps like every other pre-college adolescent, and wonder if I'm going anywhere. I wonder if one day I'll wake up--suddently 25, and have missed the boat on university and a career and finding prince charming. I know in reality that that probably won't happen. Hopefully six years from now I won't be working at second cup with my university application still in leu. And, when I look at it that way, and consider where I was six years ago, and the progress I've made... I hope that I'll at least have taken a few steps foreward six years from now.  I guess something I've been struggling with lately is... timeing. I have this timeline for myself, that if I let myself, I get obssessed with. For example, I always wanted to be married by 21. Well, here I am at 19-- so if I don't meet the perfect guy this year, we won't be able to date for a year before getting engaged and getting married and so on and so forth blah blah blah. Or with univerity, I haven't even started yet. So how am I supposed to get a 5 year degree and still graduate before I am "old"... and then somewhere in there I have to get married and have a family and settle into the average suberban lifestyle. And I guess something that I am realizing... or being taught, or being forced to realize is that my timeline doesn't matter. At all. That, as much as I hate the clicheness of it... things will happen in God's time whether I like it or not.  I am single for a reason. Because God wants me to be. And even though, let's face it... it blows. God is teaching me things through this.  And this year of lull... has purpose, even though I don't see it. Now, that's not to say that I think we should all just sit around and let life happen to us in 'God's timing', but I think there is value in having patience when you just want to get on with things already but sometimes, in hindsight, it was those inbetween periods... the transition of eras, where important things happened.   

Give Thanks.

I suppose it is natural at this time of year, with all the emphasis on Thanksgiving, to look at our own lives and appreciate what we have.  In doing this I have realized that I have so much to be thankful for.  I'm pretty sure that's the realization everyone comes to on this mid-October weekend each year. We look back and think about all the things we have and completely don't deserve, we toss a quick "thanks" up there and then carry on expecting more and more each day that follows.  I wish I could say I was the exception, but that's pretty much what I do each thanksgiving. Sometimes, when forced, I end up in some sort of circle going around and saying what I'm thankful for, at which time I say "family", or "a job" or something else that takes approximatly 2 seconds of thought. Which, don't get me wrong- I am thankful for, very thankful. But it goes beyond that. I am thankful for a family that wants the best for me, and encourages me to live as the best human being I can be.  I am thankful that Jesus Christ died on the cross for me and I can have HOPE. I am thankful that I can live every day with purpose because I know death is not it.  I am thankful that I don't worry where my next meal will come from. I realize that this blog post is kind of going around in circles, but I think it's helping my thought process-really. [...And if you are entirely confused, well, welcome to my life.] Anyways, as I type... " I am thankful, I am thankful..." I have to stop and give a thought to what the word really means. Full of thanks. Am I? Maybe right now I am. Because Hallmark told me to be.  But do I live every day THANKING God for the ridiculous amounts of gifts that I've been given.  How often do I sit around wishing I had a better job, or a car, or a clearer answer about my future. So maybe that should be a goal we all set for ourselves this thanksgiving... remember to say your thank-yous.