Nineteen in the East.

I was starting to feel like a Rob Bell Nooma video series with all my one-word titles alluding to a deeper message, so I had to stop with that for now. So last week, as a brand new 19-year-old I decided to head East. -- or as some would argue, central. But who really cares about the maritimes... I think it's East. Either way-- to Hamilton and then later Quebec. I got to see Niagra falls (cross that one off the bucket list!) and then I spent some time at Redeemer University. I knew I was going to have a good time but my time in Ontario definatly blew my expectations! So much so that today I went to the bank and opened up an account so that I can start saving to go to Redeemer in September. So far the responses I've had when presenting my wonderful new plan to people have been: "What's wrong with Edmonton?", "Oh, ... really?", or "But... that'd be starting a whole new life." Or along those lines for the most part. I guess it doesn't really make a lot of sense if you're not in my shoes. There's nothing wrong with life here, or what I have now. In fact, there is a lot of good things that I am thankful for. But at the same time I have this inner unrest that I feel like won't be solved by continuing to do what makes the most "sense." So I suppose I am doing just the opposite. I am fully intending to spend too much money in order to get a Christian education (which may hinder my future resume) and put valuable friendships on hold (or on... long distance) and miss my family because well... because I think I will be happy. I think if I heard someone else say that I would think they were an idiot. But I loved Redeemer. I haven't felt that at home since... well, since Capernwray. I made friends in A WEEK (a flipping week) that I miss tons already. It seems worth it to me. Ten years from now, when all my student debt is payed off, I probably won't care about the extra few thousand dollars that I would have wasted anyways, but I will look back and see a rich college experience. I don't want the next four years to be full of stress, with no friends at school and taking the ETS (yes, I hate Edmonton Transit) everyday for an hour in the -40 winter. So I might talk and talk and talk about this whole Redeemer thing and then get a smack upside the head from God telling me he has bigger plans, but for now I think this is what he's showing me.  Believe me, I have never been drawn to Hamilton, Ontario before but I woke up one day and thought... maybe I should go to Redeemer. I'm going to talk to the counsellor when I'm there. So I did. And I talked to Hannah. And she got me even more stoked. So the next few months might bring a lot of change. But I can't wait.

Culling

Lately I've been thinking. A lot. Now, if you know much about me you know that this isn't normal.  I do things, I don't think about them. I am a person of action, not a person of thought.  I have all these thoughts and all these ideas lately that have been taking over my mind and driving me crazy.  Perhaps all this thinking has been prevoked by the changes that have been happening my my life lately.  For starters, I got my own room this week.  My sister and I were sharing for the last year and we've recently switched to each having our own.  Going through every paper, every bobby pin, every... old assignment in my room has really shown me how much crazy stuff has happened in just one year.  It's also shown me what I value.  The first thing I went through was my box labelled "Capernwray Happiness."  And that's what it is to me.  It's a place I go (be it "healthy" or not) when I need a pick me up, when I need to be reminded that there is joy in the world and everything's not so bad.  I looked through this box with no intention of throwing anything out, and I didn't.  I simply wanted to reminise and relive what are now merely memories.  Then, I found letters. Letters from boys.  Which I had resentfully shoved in an envelope labelled "BOYS-PAST TENSE."  These letters were like stepping into someone else's life. The thoughts and the feelings were so distant and foreign that it was almost as though i'd never felt them at all. But I had. And that's the crazy part to me.  In some senses, I am a completely different person then I was last summer, even last Christmas. But in some ways, so much the same.  I put the letters back in the envelope, because you never know when you'll need to shed a good tear.  I also found my highschool year book, letters and pictures from friends in high school.  Letters from people that said "we'll be friends forever." I haven't talked to most of those people in two years.  There's nothing wrong with that, they had good intentions at the time. But now, I look at the people in my life.  I think about us all being pregnant at the same time, or getting together for dinners with our families, and then I wonder if this is just another season.  If the people in my life now will go their own directions like everyone prior to them did.  It's not that I like the thought.  The people in my life now are wonderful people.  But why wouldn't we go our separate ways when things become more important then our friendship?  Culling through my room has been a lot more than sorting through papers. It's been culling through my life.  It's forced me to consider what I value, what I don't want to be throwing out a year from now. Who I care about, what I care about, where I want to be.  It's been an experience.  

My misery's so addictive.

Lately I've been in a weird... funk. Sometimes I just stop caring about everyone and everything and can't seem to see any goodness in the world. It kind of blows.  I've been working through some issues with a friend, and trying to see some people in a different light. I've realized that I've gotten to used to seeing the worst in certain people that I've come to like viewing them that way.  It's not even that I actually dislike the person that much, it's just that I've come to a point where negativety is all that comes to mind.  Then today, I was listening to some Tegan and Sara, and one of the lines in one of my favorite songs is "my misery's so addictive."  I thought about that for a while, and realized that it's so true sometimes.  Sometimes I get addicted to that sucky feeling of constant misery and begin to like it, and it's not until I make the conscience choice to see things positvely that I can. And it's hard. It's SO much easier to just continue feeding that negativety and like dislike for people brew inside you and come out (through sarcasm as I do best...) and become a sour person in general.  So I guess it's pretty important to catch stuff like that before it becomes you.

Education

So the other day I applied to Grant McEwan.  Entering my mastercard information so that they could charge me money to look at my application for something I didn't want to be applying for was brutal.  I was mad all day that I had to apply to stupid school that I didn't want to go to in stupid Edmonton where I didn't want to live and take a stupid program so that I could get a stupid job I didn't want to work at.  So I decided to ask God to make me excited about school.  I didn't even want to ask, because I didn't want to want to go to school.  I wanted him to present me with a wonderful alternative, but I knew school was something I needed to do.  Nothing against people that choose not to go to school, but God has been showing me pretty seriously the value of education.  First of all this renovation.  Don't get me wrong, I am super thankful to have the work.  But sanding all day and ripping up carpet made me realize that I could NOT be an unskilled worker for the next 30 years.  Then today, a guy, about 40, came in to Second Cup and asked if we were hiring.  I realized that that's what not going to school gets you (about 90% of the time).  I realized that I am in a super huge minority in the world be BE ABLE to get an education and I don't even want it.  I want to bum around at my 10 dollars-an-hour job.   There are people that would kill to have this opportunity.  There are people that would kill to only have to pay like 6 grand for school a year.  There are 40 year olds, with kids, who look back and with they got their education, and here I am-- at that turning point in my life and I don't even want to do the smart thing.  So I'm still not excited.  I would still rather take about 5 years off and travel around and then just meet somebody and be thier wife and have a bunch of kids and make supper for the rest of my life.  But, I feel like this is what I need to do.  So the application is in, and we'll see what happens from here.

Labour

So these past few days I've been doing some manual labour.  I know, the last thing you would probably expect from me.  The school I went to last year is doing some renos and ( I have no clue why they chose me but..) they offered me a few days work to help out with some painting.  When I agreed I thought I would be casually putting some paint on the wall with a roller.  Instead, I've been ripping up carpet, taping ...everthing you never knew needed to be taped, and sanding. Oh, sanding.  Yesterday I worked over 12 hours between this and the coffee shop.  In a strange way though, I have really come to appreciate working hard for my money.  There is something empowering about coming home, completely exhausted and spent and barely able to move, and then knowing that you have to get up the next morning and do the same thing.  I kind of like it... maybe not forever, but it's an interesting change.  Realizing that I actually don't need 15 hours of leisure time a day really changes your perspective on work and North American culture.  It's also crazy to think that there's people all over the world working this hard/ harder every day just to barely be able to feed their families.  I can't even imagine.  It makes me realize how truly blessed we are in North America and how we definately have a responsibility to help out people less fortunate than us.

She knows who she is she just forgot for a little while

On our Seattle trip I started Don Miller's new book a million miles in a thousand years.  After Blue Like Jazz I was expecting some pretty awesome stuff. Unfortunately, for the most part the book has been a bit of a let down.  But, being Don Miller he still says some pretty awesome stuff.  There is one line that he says that for some reason I can't get out of my head.  He's talking about a friend's daughter who has been making poor choices and mixed up with a bad guy and then her father makes some family changes that completely turn around her attitude.  Once she has come back to the family and who she really is, Don Miller says, "she knows who she is, she just forgot for a little while." Sometimes I think this is so true, for all of us.  Even if we're not doing acid or pregnant with a drug dealers baby, I think we all forget who God made us to be sometimes.  That's been a big thing for me lately.  Realizing that I was made to be somebody beautiful in God's image and that I need to strive to be that person every day.  I think it relates to other people too.  When we see people we know who seemingly have gone off the deep end, I think we need to view them as an amazing person who's just forgetting who they are, not a lost cause.  I think so often we get scared and choose to reject those people from our lives, when in fact that's when they need us the most.  When people are floundering around, trying to figure out who they are, they need their friends the most to love them no matter what.  I'm not really sure if Don Miller meant everything from that statement that I got from it, but nonetheless, I found them to be some powerful words.

My first blog post. ever.

So I'm new to this whole blogging thing. I used to think it was a really weird concept- people writing about their lives for anyone to read.  And yet, here I find myself doing it.  Maybe it has something to do with what Marc Driscol was talking about on Sunday-narcissism. We're obsessed with ourselves. We want everyone to worship us and care about us and think we're great.  Anyways, be it narcissism or just trying something new, I now have a blog.

I just got back from a trip to Seattle with my family. I love the west coast. Everyone seems like they are on some sort of fabulous journey of self discovery.  You can't walk two minutes without getting caffinated. It's wonderful. I also decided that everywhere should be more like Portland.  That city knows whats up.  They are so green, and everyone there loves recycling. That was my take on it.  And I love recycling, so in my opinion they are doing things right. It baffles me really how everybody else dropped the ball so badly on the whole take care of the earth thing.